I Want To Live Again
by Gaelcelt
Summary: Steve/Bucky slash. After Steve has stepped down as Captain America, Bucky has taken his place. But it's all too much for him to take.


I own none of these characters

Steve/Bucky slash. Steve now works in administration at S.H.I.E.L.D. and Bucky has taken up the powers of Captain America. After his return from another mission, Bucky vents to Steve how tired that he is of fighting and death.

I Want to Live Again

Steve ran to Bucky as he returned from battle. He still could not get over how handsome that Bucky looked in the uniform that he himself had once worn.

"Steve-!" Bucky gasped as he removed his mask and they eagerly embraced. Steve noted some wistfulness to Bucky, a kind of desperation in his embrace, like he was afraid to let go. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" Steve asked, trying not to notice Fury approaching them.

"Now, you two, there will be enough time for that later," Fury chastised them, "I just wanted to do a full report on the mission…"

Steve recognized the shaken look on Bucky's face, the glassy look in his eyes. He just couldn't keep quiet when he saw Bucky like that. "Fury, is this really that urgent? He just returned from a major battle."

Fury gave Steve a steely look, "Rogers, I know that you and Barnes are a married couple and I respect that, but we are on company time and you know that."

Steve flinched but held his ground, "He's exhausted, Sir. With all due respect, can't this wait until he has recovered?"

"It's fine, Steve," Bucky's voice was soft, "I have to do this while it's still fresh to me."

Steve watched him quizzically, unconvinced of Bucky's assurance, but he glanced from Bucky to Fury and then back again and sighed deeply. "Well, do what you must," Steve's reluctance showed, but he would not let this slide.

* * *

It had seemed like forever, but finally Bucky sauntered out of Fury's office. Steve was instantly on his feet when the door opened and in three strides he had Bucky in his arms.

Fury stared at them with little expression before he nodded. "I'll give you no longer than an hour to take care of whatever you intend to do, but beyond that you are on the clock."

Steve sighed with relief as Fury strode away and he took Bucky to a small room nearby so they would have some privacy.

No sooner had Steve closed the door than Bucky began breathing heavily as he leaned against the wall, his lower lip beginning to tremble.

"What's wrong, darling?" Steve caught him just as the heavy breaths became sobs. They sank to their knees. Bucky was so upset that he couldn't answer Steve.

"Shhh…! Just let it out," Steve crooned as he cradled his husband's head on his chest, feeling hot tears soaking through the white linen of his dress shirt.

After a few minutes, Bucky spoke in a small, fragile voice, "I can't keep going as Captain America. I just can't stand fighting and killing anymore…"

Steve understood. Some seventy years before, Bucky had been captured and tortured by the Nazis before Steve had rescued him and then he had fallen nearly to his death, after which he was captured and brainwashed to be the Winter Soldier, an assassin for the Soviets. Now he had taken Steve's uniform and superpowers since Steve had stepped down from the position.

"I just-! I just can't take more death, Steve-! I'll just-!" Bucky gasped as he clung to his husband, "Oh Steve, I love you…!"

Steve's eyes watered to see the man he loved so distressed. He knew that this would be difficult to find somebody to fill the shoes of Captain America, but he just could not bear to put Bucky through any more pain.

"No- I have to-! I just- I have to do this," Bucky tried to control himself, "I was assigned to do this and I will do it-!"

"No, you don't have to," Steve protested.

"Steve, you're no longer Captain America; somebody has to do it," Bucky was adamant.

The blond sighed. He knew that Bucky was putting on a brave face. After all this time, he was still too stubborn to admit when he needed help.

"Just remember, soldier: anything that you choose, I'm still on your side."

* * *

_"No, stop-! Please stop-!"_ the piercing screams and thrashing jolted Steve awake from a dreamless sleep. He quickly turned over to Bucky, who was in the grip of a night terror.

"Wake up, Bucky, it's all right-!" Steve urged his stricken husband, "It's all right, you're safe-!"

Bucky gingerly opened his eyes, his hands weakly reaching around in the darkness before he found Steve, who quickly swept him into his arms.

Bucky was dripping with cold sweat and trembling uncontrollably. Steve winced as he felt his husband sobbing.

"What's wrong, dearheart?" Steve crooned, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I remember falling from a cliff…! Everything went black before I woke up in an interrogation cell-!" Bucky's voice was brittle and frightened, his breath hot against Steve's chest as he clung to Steve, "They throttled me and threatened me with a red-hot poker when I resisted them…! They threatened to castrate me when I told them to shove it up their Soviet arses… they hit me with a riding whip when I wasn't learning quickly enough… they…!"

Bucky was crying so hard that he couldn't continue. "Shhh…! I'm here, soldier," Steve pulled Bucky into his lap and rocked with him, trying to reassure both of them, "Just let it out…! I'm here and nobody's going to hurt you."

"I love you…" Bucky's voice was almost inaudible, but it went right to Steve's core, "I love you…!"

"I love you too, soldier," Steve murmured.

_"That does it,"_ Steve thought as he held Bucky, _"Fury, you will have to find somebody else to be Captain America because I am not going to let Bucky take any more of this."_

"God, I'm just too weak for this~!" Bucky mumbled against his husband's shoulder.

"No, you're not weak," Steve squeezed him, "You're in pain. Bucky, you don't have to be Captain America."

"But Fury, he picked me," Bucky protested feebly, "You know how he is."

"Did he ever give his reasons? Has he taken your mental health into account?"

"I- I just don't know what to do...!" Bucky sounded frightened, for once. Steve shivered at the thought.

"It's all right, love," Steve murmured, stroking Bucky's disheveled hair, "We'll figure this out. We'll find somebody else to take your place."

"But what will I do?" Bucky whispered, "What will I do to earn a living? This isn't 1940; I barely even recognize the job market-! I only know about warfare…!"

"For now," Steve finished his sentence, "You only know about warfare _for now_. We'll work something out."

Bucky squeezed Steve a bit, feeling some relief.

"Are you sure that you want to do this, Bucky?" Steve asked, "You have no idea how much that I want for you to come home every evening, how much that I want you to be safe, but is are you sure that you want to step down?"

"Yes..." Bucky's voice was fragile, "I don't care what it takes; I just want to come home to you every evening, I just want to get away from all of the fighting and gore...!"

* * *

"What do you mean 'I'm stepping down'?" Fury gaped in annoyance as Steve and Bucky stood before him. Had they actually come to tell him this?

"I mean that I can't do this anymore," Bucky looked Fury in the eye, "I can't take any more death or fighting. I'll go crazy if I go on like this."

Fury was incredulous, "You're one of my finest warriors. There is so much riding on your success; are you sure that you want to step down?"

"Yes," Bucky grew a little pale but he stood firm, "I don't know yet what I will do, but all that I know is that I just can't take any more violence..."

Fury sighed as his eyes squeezed shut, "Do you realize that you already know too much to become ordinary citizens? How can you...?"

"I don't know and I don't care," Bucky was emphatic, "I am ready to learn a new trade; as long as I am not on call to do battle, I don't give a damn."

Steve wrapped an arm around Bucky in support, "Fury, you know that we have the formula for the serum under lock and key; why not recruit a newcomer?"

Fury watched them warily, "Are you sure? Have you given any thought to this?"

Bucky went a bit pale, but he stood firm. Steve spoke up, his eyes uncharacteristically steely, "Fury, I will not stand by and let Bucky be thrust into a role that is clearly upsetting him. I know that he is just one person out of billions and that the safety of this world depends on SHIELD, but he means the world to me. If you want somebody to fill Captain America's boots, then you will have to find somebody else."

Fury regarded them for a moment before he sighed in defeat. He knew that it would be difficult to find somebody new, but just as difficult would be for him to convince Steve Rogers to let his husband continue as Captain America.

"It's just as well," Tony said as he barged into the room, clapping a hand onto Bucky's shoulder, "Who else would collaborate with me on snark?"

"All right," Fury groaned, "You win, but remember that I don't want to hear any thanks from any of you."

* * *

Bucky leaned against Steve as they left, relieved that that was finished. But the thought occurred to him.

"What will I do, now?"

Steve gathered him into his powerful arms, "We'll figure something out, soldier. You did great in there-!"

For the first time since he became Captain America, Bucky surrendered to the moment and dropped his worries about the future. He had the severance payment. He had the education. And he had Steve. He returned the embrace and the kisses, reassured.


End file.
